Dad Deprived? A Prospective After the Robb School Shooting

May 24, 2022. Another disturbed young man enters a school and kills 21 people (19 children, 2 adults) and wounds 17 others. It’s too tragic for words to describe.

But, the pundits have flooded the media headlines with the diagnosis for society’s ills that create these young men: no fathers in the homes. Too many children are “dad deprived.”

This is painful for me to hear because 1) I’m a single mom, and 2) that assertion is based on a very faulty presumption that the father is drug-free, sober, non-violent, not mentally ill, has integrity, and has a job.

In my situation, my husband (now ex) developed a very serious condition that doctors first diagnosed as schizophrenia: delusions, hallucinations, catatonia, paranoia, paranoid untrue beliefs, parasomnia, and severe aggressive behavior.

In retrospect, I had a first clue several days before the wedding, but it was fleeting. I just thought “what was that?” I became pregnant very early in the marriage (I was 46 at the time, so it was a huge, happy surprise). For the first two years, the episodes were infrequent. But as our son reached 3 years of age, my husband’s episodes became non-stop. It was 24/7, and it became dangerous to have him around our son.

The rages he flew into became unbearable. I couldn’t raise a child like that. Ultimately, I got a restraining order, and the sheriffs escorted him out of the home.

This led to even more distress because he had all of his parental rights. The family court insisted on 50/50 physical and legal custody. Although my son has always lived with me and had no overnights with his dad, his dad had visitation. It was a distinct possibility that dad would have a delusional episode and drive over the border into Mexico with our son because the birds told him to migrate south. No, I’m not exaggerating.

I discovered that family court judges frown on parents accusing each other of mental illness. It made me look bad. So, I kept my tongue and prayed every time dad had visits with our son. Eventually, he voluntarily gave his entire medical record to my attorney, so I can prove his illness. But our son is now 12, and dad disappeared almost 4 years ago. He no longer keeps his visitation.

Ultimately, his doctors changed their diagnosis from schizophrenia to psychosis due to either a medical condition and/or drug and alcohol abuse. He drank heavily, and I found out he was driving to Tijuana and buying drugs.

Would allowing his dad to come live with us help my son? Absolutely not. It would help if dad kept his visitations despite my fears of hallucinations and delusions.

The simple presence of a father is not the solution. We need to return to some form of moral absolutism. We must reject the notion of victimless crimes like drug use. The child is the victim if a parent is stoned. The child is the victim is the parent (mom or dad) is an alcoholic. We must reject moral relativism especially the kind that promotes teaching very young children about sexual matters in our schools. We must reject any notions like CRT that devalue our children based on race. We must reject notions that if it feels good to you, it’s ok. There are many things in life that are not ok.

We must embrace the sanctity of life and teach that to our kids.

Lastly, we need to overhaul our mental health system. I know this first hand. When my husband became ill, no one could or would help me. Doctors wouldn’t help me. They can’t violate HIPPA. The police wouldn’t help me. The threshold for a 5150 commitment is extremely high. It’s especially difficult when the ill person is unaware of the problems. It’s called anosognosia.

I faced a choice that no wife/mother should have to face: my husband or my son? I chose my son.

Simply putting a father into the home isn’t the answer. We must return to higher morals and help our young men and women who struggle with mental illness.